Holding back.


Holding back that last piece of my heart. Holding back a piece…where will I find the place to put it down. Why am I not being fully fulfilled? I am making it be external. That it’s something in the external world that has me be looking for the missing piece out there. But really it’s me.

I haven’t wanted to let myself experience the lovey-dovey, gooey, falling into the feathers feeling of love.

You can create that featherbed love at anytime. My friend said she is still waiting for that kind of love to disappear after 9 years. I met a couple married 51 years, and when I asked where they found their most joy, they both said with each other.

I hadn’t been willing to give in, to surrender, to go gooey.

I thought I had given it all. I looked like I had given it all. I am really good at persuading myself that I am telling myself the truth.

And that’s how it goes usually. A blind spot is a blind spot. Until you shift your perspective.

And so finally, I saw it.

And when I did, all my resistance crumbled before my eyes in an instant.

There was only one path forward. That long tall grass parted and what was left to do is give my whole heart over.

And I did.

I admitted not giving it alllll. I said I was done with that and I got clear. In the water, the blue aquamarine water crashing around us, suspended in his arms with my feet hanging, dangling in the luke-warm swirling water, I let myself go. I surrendered to the featherbed love in my heart. I handed it over.

I gave in. It got even better, I bloomed.

My heart can feel. My body can feel. To my cells. To new depths.


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© 2019 Olivia Pavlov