I give up the story that there is something more. This is all there is. The day to day movement of the body and the heart and the hands. It’s enough. It’s huge even.
This morning I swam laps for the first time in months. My mind was quiet as I counted up the kilometers in the pool.
I remind myself that for a long time before the triathlon last year I put huge emphasis on those laps. It was the preparation for competing. Now I have different actions to take. And again...
It’s the preparation. I am “making ready.”
People don't just wake up ready for big moments in our lives. It’s a process. A labor of love. It's necessary even.
Allowing myself the time. The pre-paration. The making ready, before. It’s a craft. I feel I am carving out myself, into the next role, the next phase.
Feeling that I have nothing to offer is just part of the illusion.
Right now all I want to do is to withdraw into a big cocoon of really feeling myself and feeling the emptiness of the future. I don’t have a clear vision of what is coming up next, and I am ok with that.
It makes me have a false story that that means that I don’t have anything to offer in the world either too.
However I get it’s all made up and by sharing this there is some kind of value available to others.
Getting ready to go to India I feel that there is a big hole in me that is being filled. A big piece of the puzzle coming together. However at the same time I can also feel that there is a closing or a shutting down of the paths that had been open in life before.
I have been peeling back the layers one by one to get to this point and I am here ready finally to go on this exploratory adventure.
I keep telling myself it’s ok not to know what is coming after that. I really get that I am a chickadee exploring in the forest right now to gain all the pieces that I can then offer to others around me.
The trip to India is just about level 10 important on the scale of all the things I have in the world to do and to explore. so I am readying myself.
Preparing for the upcoming big trips and taking a day to collect and organize today. Even that feels like there is nothing of importance in what I am doing.
What do I expect from myself to feel that I have shown my value in a day? In my life?
I expect something big, something momentous, something tangible.
That I can put forth to the world. To my public face. To say yes I am doing it, don’t you see?
I remind myself again:
There is such value in the conversations I had with the three people whom I spoke on the phone with today.
There is value in the meal I made Kit for breakfast and shared on a balcony with a great view.
There is value in the beauty I see in every tree as I over look the ledge.
There is value in the research and looking at the maps and the planning.
It's all part of the making ready.