Who I really am


Who I really am is

- Love.

- The peace between thoughts

- A being that isn’t my body

- The feeling of being unlimited - in strength, the ability to create anything, in my desire to go everywhere.

But underneath that which sounds good/my true nature, there is the insecure me. The disempowered me. The fearful me. The one I don’t want people to know about. And so… thanks to the idea of Anton Harrison-Kern, here are the things I am afraid to share about who I am for myself. It all comes down to fear of others’ opinions or judgements.

In doing this share, I let all of this go, let the power it has from being hidden go, and allow all people around me the freedom to know that your fears about who you really are are ok, that you're not alone, that you can share and live in a way that you can be upfront about your life.

At times, for myself, I am a girl who

- isn’t afraid of diving in the ocean and swimming with the fish alone.

- soft yet tough- I have done an olympic distance Triathlon, gotten divorced, and also cried for more than 14 hours in a day, gets moved to tears by a beautiful dinner on a cliff.

- Willing to (and in the discovery of what it takes to) love anyone at anytime. This doesn’t mean free sex at the drop of a hat. I am afraid of people thinking that, and often they do. It means LOVING people at any time. From time to time sex happens too as a second step to love, or separate from it, but that’s not what love is all about.

- in love with a guy named Kit. It’s the kind of love that you know they are there at any time. That he can tell me anything and I am going to love him still.

- and another one named Christopher. It’s the kind of love that doesn’t disappear across an ocean, or a 15 hour time difference, and isn’t a fairy tale either. It’s unconditional, it happens when it happens, and doesn’t when it doesn’t

- and many other people around the world. Yes you. You know who you are.

- isn’t afraid to go to a nude beach but is afraid of my friends and family thinking or saying I am an exhibisionist.

- feels like I can’t be the full expression I really am about sexuality, relationships and the body. That I can't share everything publicly about who I am and what I do or don't do. I am afraid of people thinking/calling me slutty. And in fact I wouldn't lable myself that way at all.

-is also afraid of offending people or think I can’t share who I really am in this area “because of my leadership role.” That it looks bad. That people will think I am trying to “fill a need” or that I must “sleep with every person who comes along” if I am willing to talk about sex so openly. It’s all made up.

- eats with her hands when she doesn’t have a fork/spoon. Even rice and “messy” things. I love bringing my own food, and sometimes I make do.

- dumpster dives. There is an incredible amount of “clean,” non-expired food in dumpsters, especially produce. Its worth a look, and gives huge savings.

- Walks for 6 hours in a day on an island just to explore and because it makes sense to me.

- uncertain about my future. I don’t see the big picture right now. I am ok with it. I trust myself to create it. I have been loving what I have created so far, and I know it is only getting better and better with practice.

- afraid of being seen as irresponsible. I have spent much of life feeling that having a “job” or an easy to explain source of money is important. That if I don’t have that, as currently is the case, that this represents some kind of character flaw.

- has concerns about my mental health at times. Am I manic, am I human, am I depressive? Especially because these traits run in my family.

- is selfish. Can see she isn’t concerned enough about the people around her. I can choose my desires over others.

- is manipulative. If I want something to happen, I can often ask in the way to get it to happen, or encourage people to go along. If it doesn’t, I do get over it quickly, but I pout and am unhappy. I also take for granted how often it happens, what I want.

- is ultra structured (i.e. tracks her performance of daily activities like meditation, checking the bank, reading, ect. in a spreadsheet) and also is super random (i.e. doing full body painting art sporadically)

- doesn’t drink, or smoke or do drugs. For now and not lately. All of the above are extremely rare for me, although I did my fair share of all of them before the age of 16. It sometimes has me feeling small or uncool or like a nerdy 11 year old that I was. But it’s what feels good to me and my body.

- an artists soul. I sometimes stay up late writing or stop on the street to observe people, or feel a power inside me so strong I don’t know what to do with it.

- an avid supporter of self pleasure. Especially for women. In my opinion it has provided many women I know, including myself with the experience of really being available to life and to others and opening ourselves up.


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© 2019 Olivia Pavlov