I got to see how not free I can be in relationship today. I feel like a fraud writing that. In light of the fact that I talk about relationships so much and everything that I share about being open, and being a coach for others in this area. What brought it up is how resistant I was being toward my partner this morning. I understand everything that gets brought up for me to see that I am on edge, uncomfortable, or resistant to is simply for my own growth. The things I actually want to grow in.
I really get that I know nothing. I am just willing to let go of it all, everything I think I know or need, to find truth.
It was all about avoiding being held accountable about things so that I couldn’t let him down. I was afraid of letting him down because of some resistance I had from my marriage. It came from experiences when I would make mistakes or do things that had my partner being upset I felt terrible, and didn’t manage my reactions to his reactions.
I got willing to be let down and to let my partner down. This let up and provided all kinds of freedom for me that gave me the ability to go through my morning with ease again. It’s ironic because it was out of avoiding letting him down that I was being less connected.
I am now watching him dance and eat his breakfast at the sink and I am thinking how hot he looks.
Remember that when your partner isn’t attractive to you it’s actually a barrier you are creating. It may take some digging. A little or a lot, but you’ll find it!
Later in the day we sit and share about what has happened and our victories and our concerns. He shares his fears about being compared to other people in my life. I share about my manager style that I take on when I feel people around me are dealing with things and how that has me experience even more resistance. About how the work that we do is unique and what we each bring to each other. I ask what he needs from me. He needs softness and listening. I bring that.
And then we are clear again. Able to connect. To look at one another and not have anything come up in the way.
I take full responsibility for my resistances and my lack of connectivity and hunting down the source of it.
This is the work it takes to get clear and be fully open to someone. Or at least a piece of it that I found today.