Paternal


His words echo in my heart on behalf of all men. He says, “I have no regrets in my life, but if I didn’t have any, it would be that I hadn’t been there for you and your sister when you were growing up. “I begin to sob. I think about how many men there were who could’ve said this exact sentence or something equivalent.

My father. My accordion teacher. My neighbor. My uncle.

All of them who wanted to be there but somehow couldn’t. The wicked game that life had in mind was really so perfect in the end.

Because as I hear his words I have an insight.

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There’s no way that I would be the me I am if I had spent the majority of my childhood with a male figure in my household.

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I’ve had to discover who men are for me as a woman, as a sovereign being. I didn’t get to form the stories and ideas that many females do as a child and a young teenager. This is somehow given me an amazing freedom to love men with a fully open heart not holding anything against them.

As many times as I could tell myself this, it wasn’t until I heard the words from this man’s mouth but they fully landed, Klunk, into my heart. A gear turning, a puzzle piece fitting into place. He continued to say how proud he was of the bold strong woman I am that I have become.

That piece also super resonated in my heart.

The work I do around sexuality and nudity has many paternal figures express their lack of approval for my lifestyle. Hearing his praise of approval in this conversation and wanting to be part of my life fully completed a circle for me. It closed up loop here — as much as I could say I didn’t care what others thought there was a piece of my heart looking for someone to say

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“It’s OK, you’ve turned out.”

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I called my mom to share with her about the breakthroughs I was getting as well. It seemed important for her to know that I had completed this heart break. I sobbed harder than I have in a long time. Everything I went through Guatemala last week seemed small compared to these cries.

The practical opening that happened was I went to dance and held space for people there like never before. I kissed more people on one night than I had in months. So much love and freedom of expression to give.

A true sense of wholeness as myself, for myself.

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Two days later

As I finish puking into a bucket for the second time, I lay back with a big smile on my face. I look at the shaman and say, so my fathers grandmother came through?She nods, and I check, not my mom’s mom right? Nope, definitely was your dad’s mom she says. (I’m in a Kambo ceremony, and this is what was coming through for me at the moment).

I said I think I got what the message is. That she (my dad’s mom) was so sad and unhappy that it was hard for her to express love to my dad and so he never learned from her a lot of ways to express love to us kids.

And then I sent her love, and sent my dad love.

It was a double klunk moment of things coming into place.

Then the shaman said, as you process that in your DNA for her you heal it for all of them.

I thought about the phone call I had two days before and understood how it all came together.

Loop fully closed.


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© 2019 Olivia Pavlov