a place of my own


As I unpack my suitcase and dump out all kinds of crumbs, sand and pebbles that could be from a smorgasbord of at least 5 of countries, I am wracked with doubt and fear.

So much of the past month and the past year really, I had little to zero doubt about where to go and what to do at each moment. I could wake up any day and choose to go to another city or country on a whim.

What a thing to be thankful for really!

But today, something that should seem so easy and joy filled to so many people, unpacking at a new place, has me riddled with uneasy feelings.

What is it that has brought this on?

Seems like its a matter of practice and trust.

Examining this experience led to a breakthrough.

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Practice.

I’ve been practicing nomading. Having everything I need with me, the bare minimum for the past few months. I’ve been practicing sleeping in one place for a few days, no more than a week for 2 years now.

I realize: it’s natural that unpacking and settling should feel foreign.

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Trust.

It’s a matter of trusting myself. Trusting that I did what was the best thing for myself. Trusting that I can keep paying my rent, that I will have the income. Trusting that this is the exact city, street, apartment I should have chosen. Giving up the total Fear of Missing Out that there is a better place, spot, city, etc.

All those thoughts passed, and more and more people came by all commenting how nice the place is, how beautiful, how good of a deal I got. And I grow and grow in my love for the place.

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About a week later, the real breakthrough came.

I went to dance, and was supposed to stay with my partner. He wasn’t feeling well at the last minute, so without hesitation, I proposed, why don’t I go stay at my place so you can rest. He was relieved and so was I.

As I opened the door, the warm heat rushed to greet me and the son lights of 7th avenue pour in the picture glass window. Ahhhh, I let out a sigh.

I’m home.

And I realize right there, this is it. I’m happy. I’m content. It’s perfect.

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From here I can create with ease, and can continue to nomad when I please. I realized I was afraid of renting because I had a context that if I got a place I would be trapped. Quite the contrary. I’ve got big work to do in this world and having a base empowers me. Writing and finishing my manuscript edits, running dance and sexuality workshops, spending time with people I love, taking clients for Tantra when it works for them all feels so much easier with an option of stability.


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© 2019 Olivia Pavlov