Just one week ago I emerged from a deep tantra and shamanic immersion called ISTA. International School of Temple Arts. I’ve been struggling since. With things like: Waking up at my set times. Writing this blog. Wearing clothes. Drinking non-caffeinated beverages. Being “presentable” in public. Covering my mouth when I cough. Not eating with my hands. I found all kinds of tools to understand more about when I have times like these what is going on: My inner child and my inner feminine have been so active this week. My masculine has been trying to get myself to do things I usually do. And it’s felt like a struggle. Because the masculine has been overridden. I used to think that was a problem when I disobeyed my inner masculine. But I’m learning that I can still be super funcional and don’t have to be so demanding of myself. I truly have a created life and I am learning to trust my inner feminine not to derail things as she once did. I can see that my shadow/dark feminine used to love to destroy. She had a very Kali-esq way about her. Her destructive nature was a cry for attention, a yell to be heard. I think it was the only way that my inner masculine would see her. All she wanted was love, the ability to play, and to be heard. Now, I’ve loved her up so much that now she gets her outlets in healthy ways and doesn’t have to destroy to be heard. My inner masculine was terrified of her so kept me overly rigid, structured, and basically punished myself for her desire for stunt needy and creative freedom. And that pattern still lingers and is what I’m feeling when I feel that “struggle.” I was afraid of being too unstructured or disorganized because I wouldn’t be “productive enough,” the measure of success in my own eyes. But the amazing thing is that I’ve still been super productive when I allow my inner feminine to run the show. I still have plenty of clients, take good care of myself, eat well, exercise, etc. And the hidden benefit is that I get to have lots of fun surprises and I don’t have to rush and be stressed!