Deeper


I’ve been doing some journeying lately. Every three days. I’ve been taking on a spiritual practice with this And what it’s showing me is that I keep going deeper. Into my own understanding of myself. Into my level of giving love. Into my pleasure. I keep going deeper. Sometimes I talk about it like a well. My path in life is a bottomless well. I’m happy at the depth I’m at, but I’m aware there is always forget to go. My mom said to me on the phone the other day as I shared about a new love who was calling me deeper, “wow that’s hard to believe because I see how much time and energy you already invest into the relationships you have so far.” I was so moved by that. I felt like she really got me. And still. Life called out, “Deeper!” This new love is taking a hold on my heart in a way I haven’t allowed before. I’ve been very prone to holding a piece back. And with people who don’t pull for ALL of me it’s easy to give as much as I can naturally and that be plenty. But with people demand for me to show up fully fully fully it’s a stretch. That’s what I’ve been finding. He said to me when I shared this, “I hope you aren’t lying.” When I heard that I was surprised. Why would I lie about this. I cried for a good half hour in a car ride after we left an event a few weeks back because the conversation we were in was full of emotion. I thought he was saying he was done choosing me as a partner. Turns out I misunderstood what he was trying to say. In those moments I felt my heart opened. Felt vulnerable for caring if he wanted me or not. Felt vulnerable for feeling that vulnerability. Felt angst for not being willing to change the pieces of myself he was challenged by. Felt doubt if my stand for myself was the correct place to come from. Felt totally lost seeing my doubt. Felt grateful for being able to feel so much. Felt deep longing for partnership and family with this man. Felt turn on at the possibility of creating that. Felt shame for crying At a birthday party. Felt amusement for letting go of the shame. Felt gratitude for hugs from new friends. So many feelings. So deep. Not long ago feeling that way was not possible/common/available to me. I’m so grateful for a life that takes me deeper and deeper. For a love that takes me deeper.  


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© 2019 Olivia Pavlov