Engaged


I’ve been going hard about non-monogamy since I left my marriage. I have one of the biggest hearts I’ve found. I know I can love big. I can love multiple people. Lately I’ve found a love that called to a deeper part of me. To a part of me that’s able to love big big big with one person. That calls me to prioritize this person in a special and different way. In my past I would give up on loving big or loving multiple people or make that desire, urge or inclination wrong. What’s happened here is that I let that desire be present. I expressed. And it naturally faded on its own. What we resist persists. What we let be let’s us be. What’s emerged in its place is a desire for depth. And the freedom in that depth. For the ability to share my desires and fears fully with another person and have the freedom to do that. For them to do that with me. I desire to show this man how I want something with him I haven’t wanted before with anyone else. It started out because my heart realized the first day I stayed with him that she didn’t want to leave. I could have left around 6 am. But I got back in bed and stayed till 10 am. I noticed that feeling - it was new and I wrote about it. Noticed I let myself feel deep love from the first day. We came together again and went deeper than I ever had. I started to see this was a two way street of expansion. He was opening me up and me him as well. when we parted the second time, I felt a pang but knowing we were coming together again soon I let it be. After the next meetup in a hotel for just a night I deeply dreaded leaving. A few days later back together again we had processed some of the disconnect and went deeper. Then we did an experiment for him to purposefully ghost me in our next time apart. It was so hard for me. Eventually he gave in too and we connected again a few days before our next meetup. The next time we were meant to part I lost my flight. It nearly happened again on the next trip back. I cried when it happened the first time. Because I was so thankful for an extra night together. And all I wanted was to stay. This was a new feeling for me also. We had a major moment of rupture in the last time we were apart. I shared about an experience with someone else. But not in a beautiful way. Then he contracted hard. I howled back and declared my love wasn’t going anywhere. He opened and opened wider than ever before. Then we met for our trip to Panama. We journeyed to the jungle. We went deep. Got bored. Went deeper. Made space to process our emotions completely. I finally surrendered. I realized it wasn’t wrong to want to stay. It was beautiful. I finally found someone I truly wanted to create something with. My heart had been telling me she wanted to stay since day 1. I had been resisting her to try to continue some external life I had created. But the even more beautiful thing is that I have been coming up to a blank slate time in my life again. I have all of July and August and most of June to do whatever I please. And a truly blank slate after September. So I stepped onto the path my heart is pointing me toward. I surrender nomading. I surrender to partnership. I proposed to him. I surrender to marriage. I have a vision to transform the world of sex and relationships. And I want to do it with him. But I’m not in a hurry. I want security and depth and freedom and knowing. And expansion and creation and deeedom. And finally. Finally. Finally. I know I can have it all. I more than deserve it. It’s my birthright. And guess who taught me all this..... yep you guessed it. Pussy. Thank you. I love you. I love you all.  


203 views

© 2019 Olivia Pavlov