© 2019 Olivia Pavlov

My kind of crazy.


A client said to me yesterday you’re crazy aren’t you? I laughed and smiled and said yes. Then he said, “the worst/best thing about you is that you know you’re crazy and you love it!” Again I smiled and nodded. In talking with Anthony over the last week, the word crazy has come up a lot. Both of us have family members with mental illness. Both of us have felt our own “crazy “in our lives at different times. Both of us have had people around us that we would say were “crazy “in a way that caused havoc, chaos and destruction for our selves and people around us. But a major theme the last years for me has been loving all of myself. Including my crazy. My dark. My light. Loving all of it. And truly I do. I would have a much less interesting life and have missed out on a lot of amazing experiences without my crazy. But what is crazy really? The better question is, what’s “my crazy” like?? My crazy is: my ability to be fearless. To talk to strangers when others wouldn’t. To go beyond any fear that comes up for me. To laugh as loud as I want anywhere. To wear sparkly tennis shoes. To talk with my mom about Pussy. Making impromptu naked painted art performance pieces. Piercing my bellybutton because spirit told me to and taking it out a few months later because it didn’t feel right. Jumping in any body of water no matter how cold. Eating chocolate for breakfast. Crying and laughing at the same time at dance class. Jumping on planes and buying tickets day of or a few days before. I can guarantee that everyone has their own internal crazy. I’ve come to love mine so much. And in seeing her fully I can see the crazy in others. And I can love it. Some people hide it. Some don’t know it’s there yet. Some deny it and shame it and push it down. But....what we resist persists. I invite the loving of our own crazy. Because it’s not going anywhere. And doesn’t loving it sound a hell of a lot more fun than any other option? Once we love our crazy we can use it for good. To flourish. To go father. Now I want to talk about what I mean by “my kind of crazy.” My kind of crazy means the kind of crazy that I WANT/NEED/DESIRE in a partner or people around me. What I’ve found is that part of what makes my love so special with Anthony is that he is totally my kind of crazy. We go from talking about our fears and doubts to laughing at the faces the other is making. He spontaneously asks me if we can go on a date with a woman next week. We get sexy in all kinds of random and often socially inappropriate places. He tells me his new business ideas on the daily. We booked a night at a glitzy hotel day of just for fun. His level of risk talking, neuroticism, humor, openness to new experiences, are right in the range of what I want. And he loves my kind of crazy deeply too. This is a super personal preference. It’s possibly even more important to identify than your preference for hair color or height or other personality traits. Because guess what, not everyone would say I’m “their kind or crazy.” And when I’ve been with people who don’t want my kind of crazy, I’ve either tried to shut her down, or resentment has built between myself and the other person. For most of us, we don’t bring our crazy on a first date, or let her out till we have decoder there is some level of security with the other person. (This doesn’t apply to me, my crazy is too wild and free to keep out now! It’s intentional though.) But it may be possible to talk about your crazy with partner/romance interests to feel out if you’re their kind of crazy and if they are your kind of crazy. No hidden surprises for later. Talk about potential scenarios for crazy moments. Ask each other about fantasies and fears. Feel out their kind of crazy and give yours some room to breath too. 


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