It’s been coming for months. When we grow into a bigger version of ourselves, the person we thought we were has to die. I experienced this with going from Olivia Pavlov Triathlete to Liv Love. That hot summer day in August 2017 as I ran the race with LIVE LOVE written on my back I knew my identity as Olivia which was wrapped up in triathlon was dying. And after that death it took me months to discover what it meant to me to be Liv Love, my new identity. Over the last few months Liv Love has been dying. And last week she died for good. It’s been hard. It’s disorienting and the hardest part to me is that this kind of death is all about realizing how wrong I was about things I thought I was so right about. It’s hard to admit how wrong I was. But as soon as I spoke into the world that Liv Love was dead, I began to get clarity. I got clarity about how much of Liv was put on to please the world. And how my identity as Liv was really tied up in my value coming from sexuality. My partner Anthony and I had kept running into “turbulence” around my work and my past experiences sexually. When he would ask me why I did the things I did, I had an artillery of reasons ready to robotically fire at him or anybody who asked: I was non monogamous. My mission was sexual healing. I intentionally said my sexuality was for the world. I had always been curious about sex and was exploring it freely. I had no shame. And when I shared these answers I felt a niggling that there was something more to it. That what I was saying was rehearsed and I was even fooling myself into believing it. There was something I couldn’t see. Then he asked me deeper - what did I get from it? Did I have ANY friends I wasn’t sexual with? And why did I give out blowjobs like Planet fitness gives out Tootsie Rolls? Then it hit me. As Liv Love, I felt that the only real way for me to bring value to people was by sharing my sexuality. I didn’t know who I was without sexuality. I felt it was my most important aspect but in fact I knew there was more to me. I used blowjobs as a way to avoid having intercourse when I didn’t truly want it. Or to feel powerful. Or to please the person in front of me. I didn’t give people a chance to truly know me before offering sexuality to be part of the mix. And who wouldn’t say yes to a “free” blowjob. I realized that early on in middle school I was easily the smartest person in my class. But that didn’t get me any attention from the boys I liked. But being flirty worked. And being slutty worked ever better. I felt my power when people would be pleased by me sexually. It was an easy way to be acknowledged. And I was fascinated by sexuality so it seemed natural. I deceived myself into thinking it was. But I was missing something. I was missing that my value was completely tied to this offering. I was using sexuality and the guise of being an endless fountain of love to be appreciated and loved because I longed to be truly seen and loved by a man. My father would see me once a year from the time I was 5 until I was 20. I always denied that I had any daddy issues or had any connection between my sexuality and my father. But I should have known. Ed my teacher says “daddy” is the code word for all men (same for mom is the code for all women.) So why was I being sexual with all these men? I was seeking to give and receive love that I had never shared with my father. I have come to these conclusions through following my desire, my heart, my pussy. Through having an amazing rock of a man to lean on and listen to me and call my bullshit. As a result my non-monogamy has died. Aspects of my work died. My nomadic desire died. My desire for chaos died. My desire to be seen as a sexual force has died. And it feels disorienting. And lost. Scary. Uncertain. But I’m following my desire forward. I’m letting myself take time to be in this stage of confusion. And to see what is next. Slowly. I know the love I’m sharing with Anthony is the biggest gift I’ve ever been given. I know I’m happier at this point in my life and more in touch with my heart and my pussy. And I know that all this together will lead me forward perfectly.