This morning the rain flooded the thick tarp covering my outdoor couches.
As I was resting after my workout, I was suddenly compelled to go resolve the flooded tarp that I had previously procrastinated fixing.
As the water poured off the thick blue tarp, a box shape emerged under the corner of the tarp.
I lifted it up and a water-logged shoebox size parcel awaited.
Recently I asked a friend to mail a box of my most-prized belongings which I had left in Texas almost three years ago when I became nomadic.
As I dumped out the somewhat soaked contents of the box, I examined what had once been my prized possessions.
I leafed through diplomas, transcripts, triathlon and running medals and letters, a stack of photos, my box of “trinkets” from when I was a child.
What I saw there really rocked me. These items all registered as nearly meaningless to me now.
But furthermore, I saw that everything which I value in life has shifted.
From brains and braun to love and connection.
In the past, my brain and my athleticism were the most important to me. They were the place I derived my value.
The triathlon medal from a few years ago, my letter from cross-country in high school, now mean nothing.
As I examined all the papers that once held so much importance, my ego said, “Arrange the papers so they can see your straight A’s when you take the photo!” I laughed at this, realizing that it matters ABSOLUTELY ZERO now what kind of grades I got!
I had a moment of feeling disillusioned, that these structures which had been touted to be of the paramount importance by adults around me at the time are literally MEANINGLESS to me now.
They were such masculine attributes as well. And pursuing them led me to a place of deep depression, disconnection, and disappointment with life.
I began to see this several years ago and went on a quest for what truly mattered to me.
Now I derive my worth from my sense of how much love and connection there is in my life. On several levels - with myself, with others and with the divine.
If only I could have known how little it all mattered at the time… and as I think this, I wonder, will I feel the same way in another ten to twenty years?
If so, I welcome it, because it’s a sure sign of growth. The willingness to let go of things and what we think we know.