Open doesn’t mean easy
It’s become clear to me that I don’t let you see me. All of me. The days when I wake up and don’t want to get out of bed. The frustrated moments of having hard conversations with my partner.
The days when I’m frustrated and resentful about the things happening around me. The moments when I don’t realize how much I’ve really grown.
I am taking on sharing a new level of insight into my life. Just two years ago I was married living in Indiana at a job I hated. It’s easy to think my life has always been the way it is - open to love, traveling and nomadic. But it’s not the case. Read my first post HERE about leaving my marriage.
There have been several interactions in my life lately that people came in and out of who I have been being and what I am saying it has almost been assumed that I am available for sex, or for something more than I am.
And I got clear that I haven’t shared about what I desire, and what I stand for.
Below I share about the kind of interactions that I am looking for at the moment. Because it’s become clear to me that I’d like to share that to me, “open doesn’t mean easy.”
Right now my desires and the way I am loving seem to fall into two categories …
This one is what I call “the edge.” The ultimate. People up to big things, people out to cause a ripple in this world. People excited about life, at the top of their games, who push me to grow also.
I am looking for the unicorns out there. The ones that are catching me are the ones burning brighter than I am.
From this I desire amazing, passionate, intense interactions. These are more casual dates, intense conversation over coffee, being taken for a motorcycle ride, dancing passionately sandwiched between a couple, being invited to events I never dreamed of encountering. These people may come and go from my life. For a moment, a day, a year, they are there for the shared creativity and inspiration.
In this realm, sexual intercourse is much less likely to be an option for me. It isn’t about the sex. It’s about the excitement, the tantalizing freshness of experience, the teasing and non-availability of sex even gets me going in this realm.
I create these kinds of encounters frequently. Daily, weekly, etc. It’s a big source of my creative inspiration and life force for me.
Kings and Queens
The second realm are kings. Men who honor and cherish me and treat me as their queens. The men who are really there to go to the depths. To carry me beyond where I can go on my own. As David Died says, men who can open me to God. I haven’t found many of them. And I am lucky enough to currently have two, in two different cities who I love and cherish and trust this way. You know who you are. I love you. Thank you.
In this realm, sexuality is used as a tool. Not for mere pleasure or fun. But for some serious growth. For a deep exploration of our souls, our fears, our limitations and then finding how to expand together.
For me to be interested in exploring sharing myself sexually with someone, they have to be a king to me, at this point in my life.
I am not actively out to find more and more and more people to be part of this category. I am simply open to and available to that when they do turn up in my world, I have my life and my other relationships aligned to support me including them and being open to them.
These are some of the ways that I am loving right now.