“What makes this relationship valuable to you, enough that you’re willing to travel to meet for two days?” What a great question posed by a lover recently. This is a common quandary in my particular world of non-monogamy. Who do I visit, when, for how long, what’s it worth to have X amount of time with X person? At the end of the day it comes down to following my heart. It’s really my best value gauge of where to put my time, energy and resources. But there is some level of calculating behind this seemingly innocent “intuition” of where value lies. We are constantly asking some fundamental questions as part of the way we “listen” in the world as humans. When we get language these questions seem to come along with it, whether we like it or not. They all help us determine value. -what’s in it for me/them? -is this good/bad? -do they like me/do I like them? -do I agree/disagree? And I can see some questions that are important for me in choosing lovers and how to spend my time with them are: - what’s unique about this person? - what’s the value that only they can provide me/only I can provide them? - how individual is this persons offering/viewpoint/love/physical presence? (How exclusive is it?) - is there somewhere I would rather be or something I would rather be doing? (Is something worth more to me?) For me to be excited about a person there has to be high alignment in how special we feel to one another. How exclusive the value is that we bring and how interested we are in creating that experience at that moment in time together. Highly unique people and people who bring exceptional offerings really stand out for me. The specialist, the master, the artist, the entrepreneur, the performer. These all seem to be archetypes that I find I value highly by the level of variety and individuality often. Some may read this and hear heartlessness, or pickiness, or objectification. But if you’re willing to persevere through that judgement what’s underneath is clear preference. Honesty about what I’ve found works (at least for me) up to this point. And my hope is that in reading this something may clarify for you as well. You may see a pattern or a preference or a desire come to light. What makes someone/some experience valuable for you?