Giving Up

What do you have that you Give Up? Not Give Up like quit. But Give Up like Give In. Release.

363 days ago I completed my first Triathlon. What happened was that I finished first in my age group. Then I got an email a few months later that as a result I qualified to compete at the USA Triathlon Nationals this year!

So for about the past year I've been living into the life of an event that happens in 9 days. It's totally shaped my days-how I eat, how I dress, how I spend my money, how I sleep, where and how I work. Not even to mention how training shapes my schedule and physical activity and even my physical body shape! And I have been in the life of allowing and accepting and choosing what this commitment dictates.

So many things came up that could have taken me out. Changing jobs three times, ending a long term relationship, moving, becoming nomadic, a "hip injury," having my bike stolen, starting to fall in love with yoga, traveling to Asia. Just to name a few small things.

But I am in it. I've been consistent with workouts that WHOLE time! No more than two days off in a row for the past year. I feel tired just writing that!

I realized today after my last long run before the race, just ONE more week. One more week living into the life of "I am a triathlete going to the National Championships." One more week that this is the major shaping factor in my days. Just a tiny, measly week of life! In the view of an entire year of living into this life, I feel the presence of the reality of nearly reaching the goal and the change that is to come

And what's there is that I am filled with joy and anticipation for a change. For the freedom from the demand of this training plan. For the freedom from the identity constructed around it. For the freedom to listen to my heart when it comes to what my body wants to do and operate from joy, not from purely being my commitment to training.

In this place, I have really come to know the power of being my word. That means doing my runs and bikes and swims because I said I would. Even if I don't feel like it, don't want to, "don't have time to." I totally see that sticking with goals does create growth.

You could say what I have been doing is not Giving Up.

But in my heart I'm ready for the next phase. I am ready to Give Up.

Ashtanga yoga is there calling me. It's there waiting like an open door to go deeeeep. Deep into my heart.

Calling me to Give Up.

Today in my practice I experienced some of the biggest physical and emotional release and letting go I have felt in my practice to date. Giving Up holding. My hamstring attachment point at my sit-bone released abruptly. Followed by immense pain and seeing a big yellow burst of light. I became afraid of the pain but then what was there next was just to Give Up that fear. I went farther into poses after that than I have before, felt stronger than I have before, and felt expansion in what my body could do.

At the end of my series, I released into sobs, such a welcome experience! It is really hard for me to Give In to crying, even though I so long to have those experiences of relief. So it's exciting and lovely when I get there.

I was moved by how in life I have denied myself from being powerful! And that has been out of fear of being arrogant, fear of being too much, fear of what I could really do if I fully was myself and my power. So in that moment I

GAVE UP keeping myself small and not letting myself be powerful.

I accepted that I feel my power as physical strength, as the impact I know I can have on others, as the contribution I can make to the world. And I took responsibility for expressing myself as powerfully as I can be in the world.

I am so thankful for yoga, for Hamsa, and Courtney my teacher, and Shaun who led my first class at the school. For creating the space for me and for everyone there to go deep. To give up. Thank you!

Isn't it amazing what you can really gain when you Give Up?