Picking up the pieces
When I left the US in August, I had just become Live Love. I gave up being Tripartite Adventurer Olivia and after she was released, I had freedom to move forward and create. In Australia, for the first time I have been able to really live how it is true for me. I have been able to live as a human animal and be grounded in a place. The markets, the trails, the city scape from the apartments where I have lived, all of that called me into creating myself. A touch-centric, grounded, creative, inspired being. Alive and fully free to be in the world. Calm and with ease moving forward, into a future still far from certain. when it was time to go to the Us on this trip, the resistance was immense. I didn't understand why that would be, because in my heart I had a lot of excitement and longing to see my family. However, it was exactly the perfect thing to have happen. And it couldt be any other way. As soon as I got into Chicago I felt out of place and seeking something to ground to. Walking on the left side of the sidewalk, a recently acquired habit, became a sense of longing and sadness and desire to go back to Australia.
What has happened is a breakthrough about my commitment to a life in Australia. A grounded and stable life. A life of fun and freedom and ease and sexiness. A life of pleasure and fulfillment. Going back to Chicago where I began to morph this year, a reuniting began with my mom and sister, then my brother and sister and niece and nephew and the town where I spent my childhood and teenage years. Then to Texas where I fell in love with a place for the first time- with the cities of Austin and San Antonio. Going to where I began yoga. Where I began to own my sexuality and gave up making anything about that wrong. In all those places, from a total state of nothingness, I came with a new perspective. I brought a question of who was then I and who am I now. In each of those places I found a piece of me. I found these pieces in the hearts of the people I love in each place. Each one held and holds a tiny piece of me. Of who I am in the world. we dont exist outside of the relationships we have. And so, I see that on this short trip, I have been picking up the pieces. Like I am putting the organs back in the game of operation. I have been so incomplete and it feels like I left these little bread crumb trail bits of my heart and myself in different people. I left the pieces so there would be something to come back to. Something familiar. Home is where the heart is but what if its there because you left it to come back to? It's been beautiful to go let all those people know I love them and that I have left my heart in their hands. From nothing I got to pick up the pieces I want and the ones I dont want and integrate them and choose for myself. How I am to be. Like a puzzle - where do these pieces of my heart fit in? I know that they are all perfect exactly as they are.
A new Piece
In my life, it has been the case that I always try to break the rules, get away with it, and not get caught.
For the first time in my life I am giving that up. I am taking on following the rules and going forward with integrity.
It felt impossible at first. To do something totally differently than I have ever before. This revelation and commitment is coming out of the training program I am doing currently. I have taken a look at the things that are really important to me and I see that a main one is being out of my own way so that I can be there for others.I can do this. I can do anything and do it with grace and ease. All I am is my word. All I am is my stand.
What I mean by that, is that I have to know that I come from integrity to be clear and available for all the people around me. I know that I really am a source and a channel for power, freedom and confidence.