Paternal Part II

(The following is a post written by an anonymous guest, who shared the message I mention in the post last week called "Paternal.")

The feelings I share about below have been carried in my soul for years and years. This has been an issue which I have found myself returning to over and over again. In truth, from the very first moment in which I reconnected with a little girl from my past and talked with her, adult to adult, I felt what I would call a deep need, desire and imperative, to share with her these thoughts and feelings.

I suppose the only thing which kept me from doing this was put simply, fear. A fear that I might not have the ability to verbalize exactly what I needed to in a coherent manner and fear of how this lady might respond. Honestly, what I feared most was that my own clumsy overtures might be met with rejection. All of these fears, I am compelled to say right here, were completely unfounded, as are most of the fears which we live with day to day.

One day last week however, I had no fear of it, I just knew, my Spirit had assured me the time had come for me to share what I had been putting off for too long. A resolve had settled around me, a deep calm had come over my Center along with a sense of assurance that I was on the right path and everything would be as it was meant to be.

I remember sitting in my car and talking with her over my phone and really feeling for the first time a sense of… connection, a connection with this lady who I have come to love and admire greatly over the course of only a handful of months. I remember feeling an undeniable certainty as I spoke the first words to her in preparation of this.

“There is something which I need to tell you, and it has been on my heart for a very long time.”

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I spoke that which my heart told me I must, and she received.

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This story begins on the day I first meet the absolute love of my life, my soulmate. I know it sounds cliché, these days everyone throws around the term ‘soulmate’ so loosely it has lost much of it’s original meaning, but in my case I absolutely believe it is true. When I met this lady, I knew, I just knew. We recognized each other on a level which defied explanation or reason and seemed far deeper than simply a past-life recognition.

A year later we meet again and at this point in her life, I learned she had divorced and is living with her two young daughters, literally, within walking distance of my apartment. As one thing leads invariably to another, it was not long until we were spending as much time together as possible and talking very seriously about marriage.

I have heard of the idea of ‘bliss’ before, but I had never experienced this in my life previously. Every day was a gift I was continually unwrapping and every moment we were together was a blessing which was continually unfolding, for both of us. It was only in her arms that I have ever felt truly complete within my physical, mental and spiritual being. When we were together it was just like lightning.

Now, in full disclosure, I never had any real desire to have children of my own, but I have to say the thought of being present in the lives of these three lovely ladies was very attractive to me right from the start. The thought of helping in whatever way I could with the raising of my love’s daughters, filled me with a hope and a purpose which I would never have guessed.

And then, my soulmate broke up with me and I was devastated.

Walking away from those three ladies was beyond any doubt, the hardest thing I have ever been asked to do in this life. This was also the fundamental lesson which my soulmate was teaching me: True love means that sometimes we have to be willing to let go, even when letting go is the absolute last thing we want to do and the hardest thing we can do.

It was a hard lesson for me, no doubt, but it was also the single most important lesson of my life. Today, I am able to see, to understand, that all of the pain and suffering which I went through then was actually a blessing to me, as counter intuitive as I know that sounds. It is from this place of understanding and perspective that I am looking back today, almost twenty years later.

I am older now and I have grown a great deal in my faith. Those two lovely young girls who I first met so long ago are adults now and have become beautiful, self confident and strong young women in their own right. Recently, I have had the honor of getting to know them a little, as the young adults they now are.

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At this period of my life, I have to say that I find myself looking back with an odd mixture of both understanding and regret. By faith, I am Gnostic, and living a Gnostic life is very much about living intentionally. When one lives intentionally, it is very difficult to have regrets, but I do have one regret within my life.

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My one regret is that I was not able to be present in the lives of those three beautiful ladies and that I was not able to watch these two girls as they grew and became the young ladies they are today.

I have missed so many chances to offer comfort to these young ladies, to give encouragement when I could, to give instruction when needed and to just… well, to just be present, for them and for my love. I have now conveyed these feelings to them and I feel that these overtures have been met with equal parts love, understanding and acceptance.

I suppose what I feel most right now, within my life as it continues to unfold, is gratitude. Gratitude for the lessons I have learned as well as the many ways these lessons have helped to shape the person who I am today. Gratitude also, for this second chance to get to know these young ladies and to maybe be a part of their lives now, in some small way. And lastly, gratitude for the opportunity to say some of the things which I have carried within my heart for all of these many long years.