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But is it really Erectile Dysfunction? Why you may not have ED


First let me share my definition of TRUE Erectile Dysfunction: the loss of the ability to get or maintain an erection due to a loss of neural or muscular function or control, often due to chemotherapy, advanced old age, or other neurological disorders.

The following is my digestion of why I believe so many men who are labeling themselves or doctors are labeling as having ED, DON’T actually have ED.

I offer fresh perspectives on why this is happening and NATURAL practices to regain a healthy erection and relationship with erection.


Lately I’ve been blessed to work with many different clients who have experiences where they are not getting erections when and how they want them.

Many of them are taking Cialis or equivalent medication and come to me seeking advice on whether or not this is some thing that can be fixed or remedied naturally. Or if “tantra” can do anything about it!

I’m always so moved when I have clients who are exploring this question of whether they have ED and what they can do about it, because it’s very vulnerable! Erection is a tender topic. And I really have come to understand the challenge of the feeling of not getting an erection when you want one from all the men I worked with.

So also if you’re reading this and experiencing something like this, thank you for the courage to learn, explore and be vulnerable with this topic.

Erections hold such a gold standard in our worldview of masculine sexuality. The ideal image of a phallus, the upright, the emphasis on size, all put a lot of pressure on penises to be hard and stay hard.

It doesn’t help anything that the porn industry is widely plagued by a pandemic of artificial erections. Shots, implants, and pills give us a very unrealistic impression of what a penis should look like and how an erection should behave.

In my opinion the porn industry and the pharmaceutical industry are intimately linked! They are both billion or trillion dollar businesses, and the welfare of the average human is not what’s actually at the center stage of it all. It’s power and greed from what I can see.

Not only does the porn industry create this whole pandemic of unhealthy views of erections and multitudes of men turning to medication‘s like Cialis, but the consumption of porn, and over ejaculation, also lead to rampant health problems and depressive symptoms. It’s a cycle. The behaviors created and associated with watching porn lied to so many health problems. But that’s an article for another day!

So where does that leave your average man? It leaves him thinking that his fluctuations in erection or challenge getting an erection when he doesn’t feel completely safe, connected, or secure are somehow abnormal.

let me just call it like it is.

It’s not true.

In the words of a favorite colleague of mine, Laurie Handlers, “penises go up and penises go down!”

Fluctuations in erection are completely common place and healthy.

So many factors can lead to this, from thinking about things and your presence going to your mind, to changes in sensation, room temperature, etc.

Also, not getting an erection every time you are in a situation with a person you cognitively think you want to have sex with is also completely normal and healthy. We have to remember to regard a man as his whole being. This includes his heart! So often when a man does not feel safe, he will not get an erection. And this is wise.

Today I called this the wisdom of the cock.

In first time situation, with new lovers, in paid for sex encounters, when you don’t have the necessary boundaries and agreements to feel safe, there is often challenge an getting an erection.

Sometimes not getting an erection is pointing to a deeper conversation that needs to be had first.


  • Even if you’re already in the heat of the moment, if you notice you’re not getting an erection when you want to and you think it might be related to safety, the first thing to do is pause! Stop what you’re doing.

  • Try asking yourself, what would I need to feel safe in this moment with this person?

  • Ask the other person “can we pause for a moment? There’s something I would like to share/talk to you about“

  • Then tell them what you feel you would need. Ask if they are willing to provide that!

Obviously that’s an oversimplified trick but it’s worth a try! This can take many sessions to re-pattern this type of communication!

Other times, it’s truly just a sign that it’s not the right person, place, time, etc. When we can learn to trust our body rather than forcing ourselves to do some thing, we begin to rebuild trust!

Lastly, I mentioned it earlier, but one of the major causes of what is perceived as erectile dysfunction is


When a man is ejaculating too frequently this can be one of the major factors of ED, because his body literally is saying I don’t want to get hard I need to rest! I have another blog post on the topic of edging, that goes into great detail about this. If you are older than 30, and you are ejaculating more than once a week, please read that blog and know that this may be one of the main factors for you!

One final reframe: erectile dysfunction can be erectile weakness!

The penis is a muscle just like the rest of the body and needs exercise too! when a man masturbates the same way for 30, 40, or 60 years, his penis only has the capacity that it does to hold the amount of blood and pleasure it has experienced. I equate this to a person who works out with the same amount of weight every day for that amount of time. If you only ever do squats with 140 pounds you won’t be able to do them with 200! It’s only by slowly and gradually increasing the weight over time that you increase your strength.

Edging is a wonderful practice to strengthen your erections. Please see my previous blog on edging for more. Also withholding the flow of urine once or twice a day is a great way to strengthen these muscles as well.

Finally, if this has been helpful for you, nd you want to dive deeper, please book a coaching session or an in person Tantric healing session with me! It would be my honor to dive deeper into this challenge and empower you in regaining your full range!



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